This week’s reason to feel inadequate: Xenia, Warrior Banker/Model interned at JP Morgan

Thanks to my friend Shaan and Facebook, I can continue feeling significantly inadequate as a young woman tonight.

XENIA, Warrior Banker/Model

This is Xenia, Warrior Banker/Model. Apparently she interned at JP Morgan last summer because she was tired of looking hot full time and needed a new challenge.

According to her website, Xenia, Warrior Banker/Model (КСЕНИЯ ЧУМИЧЕВА) is “a swiss celebrity with russian origins and a multi facetted threat: model, dj, and host.”

Multi facetted threat aka multi facetted envy-inspirer. (Someone needs to copy edit her writing. :) The “r” in “russian” and “s” in “swiss” should be capitalized, Xenia!)

Her profile continues, sounding almost like that NYU student’s awesome cover letter to JP Morgan earlier this year:

Compared to a young Brigitte Bardot, Ms. Tchoumitcheva has parlayed a first runner-up result in the famed Miss Switzerland pageant into establishing herself as a bankable talent with strong media ties and brand relationships. A native of Lugano, Switzerland, she speaks five languages fluently (Italian, Russian, English, German and French) and recently graduated from university in Science of Economics.

Young Brigitte Bardot! Ugh, kill me now. Brigitte Bardot is one of the quintessential beauties in the history of mankind, and by God does she resemble Bardot.

Xenia began modeling at the age of 12, and gained notoriety as a young beauty in her hometown. Her first runner-up place showing in the Miss Switzerlandstirred a national controversy (why didn’t she win?), and for the first time in history the Miss Switzerland organization took the unprecedented step of offering Tchoumitcheva an appearance contract similar to that of the winner. Within short order, the press crowned Xenia as the #1 “most eligible single woman in Switzerland” and having the “Best Bikini Body” while gracing the covers of Schweizer Illustrierte and several high-end magazines. She is represented by Elite Model Management and after university she took acting classes at the New York Film Academy.

“#1 ‘most eligible single woman in Switzerland.'” and “having the ‘Best Bikini Body'”…in Switzerland? Are you kidding me? Switzerland is known to have some of the most beautiful women in the world. Men and boys create Facebook groups dedicated to trading women from their native countries for Swiss women. The only acclaim I can think of that could eclipse these two descriptions is a declaration from CERN that Xenia Tchoumitcheva is actually the true evidence of the God particle.

Miss Tchoumitcheva began to work as an actress in commercials and music videos in 2007, and is remembered in one of her early spots for the Spanish and Swiss watch brand Candino-Festina. She starred next to Jules Sitruk in the french movie Bob et les Sex Pistaches and as protagonist in the short movie “Les Enfants de la Hônte” of the french film maker Alain Margot, which appeared on the NIFF film festival.

May 2010 saw release of a music video with the Italian music artist Paolo Meneguzzi. It was Tchoumitcheva’s first video to be produced and released in Italy and to hit 2 million views. She also appeared in a role of the Hollywood movie “Without Men” with Eva Longoria and Cristian Slater. An occasional presenter for Fashion TV, in October 2011 Xenia hosted Miss Switzerland pageant live on the 3 national channels. In March 2012 Xenia starts to host her own TV show about successful italian businesses called “L’Italia Che Funziona”, on one of the main italian channels Rete Quattro, Mediaset. She also hosted Miss Ukraine 2012 with the russian comedians Projektorperishilton. The show was a hit with more than 10 million views and a 23% share on the channel Inter.

Now comes the part that really gets me groaning:

With a keen interest in business, Xenia has been self managing herself for several years and has interned at different financial institutions, such as Merrill Lynch, the London hedge fund Duet Group and JP Morgan Chase. Working as a luxury reporter for the US magazine Haute Living, she also writes a monthly cultural column in the german magazine Monats Hefte.

A “keen” interest in business? She’s ambitious in various industries?

Basically, Xenia has the exact perfect version of my life — She works in finance, models, writes, acts, hosts and is the most eligible single woman in the land of the hottest women on the planet? I work in finance…in wealth management; I model…for my MacBook Photo Booth; I am a reporter…for this little blog and the other little blog; I act…in small serious films on youTube; I host…”H-Oprah” shows in my own head; and I am…the most eligible single woman…in my apartment, tonight.

Ah! Somebody! Put me out of my misery.

Or make me look like Brigette Bardot.



  1. Precious · · Reply

    Hey I hear you but I want to remind you … Life is fair… You are where you are because of who you are. You are perfect the way In every way. Don’t envy her, you don’t know what she has/is/going to go through in life.

    Love you the way you are,

    1. Thanks Precious! :)

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