How comfortable does your baby need to be?

The first baby shower I ever attended I actually threw. For my boss. At work. In a conference room.

It was nautical themed. Submarine, actually, because there were no windows in the conference room.

I googled pictures of submarine windows, printed out eight blown up copies, cut them out and taped them to the walls, evenly spaced.

Everything was blue and white.

I threw a toy net over the boxed gifts and attached little plastic crabs and star fish to the net. It was great.

It was adorable.

I wanted to kill myself.

Clearly I’m not a mother.

I think it’s safe to say that you’re no longer a child when you give birth to one. Well, you oughtn’t be, anyway.

I’m not a mother nor am I ready to be one.

Case in point — today.

I’m shopping for gifts for my third baby shower — my second one in 7 months — and I see this and stare really hard at my screen:

it’s the complete opposite of what you think this looks like.

It’s impossible, I think to myself. Amazon must have mislabeled this one. It’s in the wrong toy department.

I ask DG to look at it.

What does this look like to you? Quick. First glance.

“A schlong.”

I thought it looked like a d—-o with handles.

DG and I are not immature. This “Baby Banana Bendable Training Toothbrush, Infant” (the comma Infant is important here in the title) looks like a little baby schlong. A baby schlong you put in a baby’s mouth.

Disgusting.

I’m not going to buy the baby banana schlong, no. I’m going to buy a plastic bendy ball, a handmade wooden rattle, an organic cotton plush hippopotamus and a Kiddopotamus Snuzzler Complete Head and Body Support, Ivory Terry.

Because…because the baby will absolutely value and appreciate the extra proper support this $19.95 11.13 polyester comfy padding will provide when he/she goes for a car ride.

Because…because I thought this was a Tempur-pedic support system, which would make perfect sense. Tempur-pedic baby lumbar support system. (But no, they don’t yet make baby mattresses. Only beds for dogs.)

How comfortable will that baby be! Because of my gift! And the best part! It “features an adjustable, detachable head support that adds luxurious comfort to any infant seat.”

Luxurious comfort — THAT is how comfortable your baby needs to be.

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